


Vacation

by sunflower1343



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-04 17:37:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4146753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower1343/pseuds/sunflower1343
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's really hot in Japan and Hong Kong this summer! Where better to go than a ski resort in New Zealand?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vacation

**Author's Note:**

> If this could be said to have any relationship to reality, it would place early in canon, after Fixer and before Naked Truth. I wrote this in the middle of a heat wave, much like the one I'm experiencing now. Which might explain why it... gets a little out of control. Written July 2006.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Feilong picked the napkin up from the tea service and wiped the sweat from his face and neck. This was just unbearable. He had to get out of Hong Kong until this miserable heat wave ended.

He turned to the young boy standing patiently behind him. "Tao, pack our things. We're getting out of here. I don't know where. Someplace cold. I'm calling the travel agent now."

The phone was in his hand before he finished the sentence.

He pressed a nearby glass of ice water to his face as he dialed, then listened for an answer.

"No, I will not hold. This is Liu Feilong."

He cut the speaker off abruptly.

"Good. I'm glad you see it my way. What's the coldest destination you have? With luxury accommodations, of course."

He listened a bit.

"That last one, you say it's very private? Good. Book the whole place for the next week, starting tonight."

A scowl appeared on his face. "What do you mean you can't do that? I don’t care if some of the rooms are taken. Tell those people to go someplace else. There are other hotels for menials."

He viciously poked holes in some wilted watercress sandwiches on the tea service with his finger.

"No, I don't want to go to another place. Fine. Just book the rest of the rooms. I'll bring security. No doubt they'll think it's their lucky day."

He hung up abruptly. "Tao! Pick out two of the men to go with us. I don't care which ones. Two who know how to ski I suppose. And send these sandwiches back to the kitchen. They're full of holes."

 

\--

 

Takaba had trudged through the unbearable heat for the promise of the job, one that sounded like it would pay very well, being for the newspaper's weekly magazine. He was running low on funds and was just about willing to do anything. Maybe he could finally afford an air conditioner for that crappy little apartment.

"This is your lucky day Takaba. Kakegawa-sama said he'd do the feature for us, but only with you as a photographer."

"Eh? That's just because he's a dirty old man! I don’t even need to know what the story is. I'm not going."

"Snow."

"Huh?"

"New Zealand."

"Wait a minute."

"Luxury ski resorts."

"Well maybe..."

"First class accommodations."

"Separate rooms?"

"Of course."

"When do we leave?"

 

\--

 

"Asami-sama. Perhaps you should take a look at this."

Asami had just stepped in from the sweltering Tokyo heat. He was wearing a three piece wool suit. He wasn't even sweating.

He began laughing as he read the report. "He always manages to land himself right in the middle of it, doesn't he? Get me a room there. The best room. No arguments. They always hold one back for chance VIPs. I'm that VIP. Give them double the asking price and if they try to refuse, tell them I'll buy them out and demolish them."

"Yes, Asami-sama."

"And bring the car back. I need to go home and pack."

 

\--

 

Feilong stepped out of the helicopter, welcoming the cold blast of air that greeted him. Now this was more like it. The owners of the small resort stood to the side waiting to meet him, as they should. He waved his men past him. "Tao, take care of them and see to my things."

Snow crunched under his feet as he walked toward the husband and wife who owned the place. They seemed a bit odd, but as long as they obeyed him he didn't care what they were like. 

"Mr. Liu? It's so nice to meet you. We're here to make sure your stay with us is everything you wish. We're the Ferry's."

"Of course you are. Are the other people you wouldn't kick out for me here yet? Is there any chance that they won't show up?"

"Ah, the Japanese guests. They haven't checked in, but I'm afraid they're definitely coming. I'm sure they won't bother you too much. They're from a Tokyo news magazine, but we've asked them to strictly respect your privacy."

"Inform them that if they're not inclined to do that, they'll be seeing the ice on the lake from a new perspective. Underneath it."

"Certainly sir. I'm sure it won't be an issue. Please, let us show you to your suite."

 

\--

 

"What do you mean we have to share a room?! We were promised separate accommodations."

Kakegawa sidled up to him. "Now, now, Akihito, we can make the best of it. After all, it seems like fate, doesn't it?"

"Who said you could use my first name? And get your hand off my ass! C'mon guys, you have to see that I can't stay with this letch."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Takaba. We had forgotten a reservation from another Japanese guest who was most insistent about keeping it, so we had to move you from your room to Mr. Kakegawa's. We have no other rooms available."

"Well great. So, can you tell me if you get the death penalty for murder in New Zealand?"

 

\--

 

Asami stood outside the door of the small suite in the subzero winds. He was dressed in his usual three piece wool suit. He wasn't even shivering.

There was an argument going on within the room, and he anticipated an explosion in 5...4...3...2...

The door slammed open.

"And if you think I'll fuck you just to have a bed to sleep in, you can think again!"

The door slammed shut.

"Damn. That was going to be _my_ offer."

Takaba spun around.

"YOU!"

"You're slipping, Akihito. You used to at least get something out like "bastard" after the "you". He must really have upset you. Why don't you come to my suite for a drink? It's a lovely room, just around the corner."

" _My_ room? You're the one who got _my_ room? Oh if I didn't believe in Satan before, I do now, and his name is Asami." Takaba started shivering. "Fuck, it's cold out here!"

Asami put his arm around Takaba's shoulders. "Come on. You can't stay out here. There's a private sauna in my room. It'll warm you up."

Takaba sighed. "I suppose. Better the devil I know."

"Speaking of which, have you met the other guests yet?"

"No, why?"

"Never mind. Time enough for that."

 

\--

 

Takaba stretched like a cat who'd been petted, then had salmon for dinner, then more petting, then a tongue bath, then even more petting, then lots of deep sleep curled against a warm chest in a soft bed. Which wasn't far from the truth.

He sniffed. Something smelled good.

"I ordered breakfast and it just arrived. Would you care for some?"

"Would I? That looks great! Wow, look at that view! It's beautiful. I can't wait to get outside. This is going to be a fantastic day!"

Asami smirked into his coffee. "I'll accompany you, if only to meet Kakegawa. He needs to learn to leave other people's things alone."

"I'm not yours!"

"Of course not."

"But I wouldn't mind you threatening him. You can even beat him up if you think it's necessary," Takaba said with a hopeful heart.

"Were you always this vicious?" Asami ruffled Takaba's hair. "Well, if it would make you happy, I could punch him a little." He was rewarded by a bright smile. "You're too cute."

They cheerfully finished their western-style breakfast, then walked out into the snowy courtyard.

 

\--

 

Feilong was having a lovely morning. His room was superb, the epitome of good taste and elegance. The food was top notch, and they responded to his special requests with alacrity and excellent service. The weather was promising a great day on the slopes. He hadn't had such a fine day in ages.

He stepped out into the snowy courtyard and his day was shot to hell.

"YOU!!" he heard.

His lip curled. "So you're the reason I couldn't book this whole resort? You and your wispy little boytoy? I knew this was too good to be true."

"Master Feilong? Do you know these gentlemen?"

"I know them Tao, and they're no gentlemen. See that big one with the smirk? He's the one that scarred my perfect body. The little one's of no account. He's just a hole that wiggles at the appropriate moments."

Takaba's face turned red. Tao's face turned red. Asami appeared unaffected by both words and weather.

" _You're_ the one who hurt Master Feilong?" Tao bent down.

Asami put his arm around Takaba's shoulder. "Really Feilong, don't you think it's time you got a little therapy for your –"

His words were cut off when a large snowball smacked him dead on in the mouth. Tao stood beside Feilong, a look of grim satisfaction on his face. 

Feilong's hand flew to his mouth as he burst into laughter. It was cut off seconds later as Takaba returned fire and connected with his forehead. Feilong wiped the snow away, his eyes narrowing behind designer shades. He wasn't considered the top assassin in Hong Kong for nothing. He dipped and grabbed two handfuls of snow, shooting them off with deadly accuracy.

Asami was already shoving Takaba behind some trees, whipping back snowballs to cover their movements.

Feilong spun about seeking shelter behind a flower trough. He dove for it, dragging Tao with him.

The barrage continued back and forth for some time. Tao began nervously scanning the skies. "Master Feilong, shouldn't we get out of here?"

"Why should I? I'm not conceding to that son of a bitch. Just keep feeding me snowballs."

"Well, it's just that this author sir, she tends to get silly at points like this and we're near Antarctica and you know how she likes –"

Feilong turned with a snarl. "She wouldn't dare. Not when I'm finally winning. She's too struck by my beauty."

"Uh, yes sir. Who wouldn't be? But then what are those?" Tao pointed straight up.

Feilong's mouth gaped open as he stared over his head. Takaba's next snowball almost went straight down his throat. Tao glared at the photographer who was rolling on his back giggling. But he could tell when said photographer noticed what was occurring in the sky, because he just lay there staring up, looking like a man who'd died of shock. Tao grinned and used his next missile to hit the snow-laden branch above Takaba's head, burying him in a small avalanche.

Just then the first parachuting penguin landed in the courtyard, and all hell broke loose. Asami came out from behind the trees like a berserker, flinging penguins left and right as they tried to get to Takaba. "Not my boy you won't, you damned perverted penguins!"

The penguins fought back bravely, waddling as fast as they could, sliding across the snow on their bellies, nipping at Asami's ankles, but they were just no match for him. Who would be, really?

Soon there were beaten and exhausted penguins lying all over the courtyard, finally clearing up that joke for Takaba: What's black and white and red all over? Asami vs penguins.

Asami collapsed in the middle of them. He had to be exhausted after that effort. Feilong smiled. Now was the perfect chance. He grabbed a huge handful of snow and snuck over, only to drop it when his hands fell helplessly to his sides. 

There was a wound on Asami's neck. That wouldn't have been so unsettling in and of itself. It was the circuitry that was showing through that scared the hell out of Feilong.

"What the hell _are_ you?"

Takaba had crawled over. "Oh my God, he's the Asaminator. I knew it. I knew he was an evil bastard connected to UFOs. And now that I think about it, this explains the constant erection too."

Asami looked up at the both of them. "I'm the first Japanese experimental robot to be released into the wild. They designed me as a yakuza. Since I have no emotions that get in the way, they thought a position as a ruthless crime lord ideally suited for me. I have surpassed all their expectations however, and I rose to prominence and purchased the company that created me, thus taking over my own destiny. You needn't worry about me creating an army of like machines though. I have no desire to compete with myself. I will simply continue to increase the number of humans I rule until the human race is mine. I'll quite enjoy being a god."

Takaba and Feilong and Tao looked at each other in horror. So much made sense now.

"Don't even think about trying to kill me. It's quite impossible, you know. Just ask these penguins."

Takaba and Feilong and Tao looked at the author in horror. She shrugged. She'd written herself into a corner and was pretty much as screwed as they were. Then she remembered a chance plot point.

The owners of the inn peeked out through the doorway from the lobby of the hotel, then cautiously walked out through the snow to where the four were gathered. 

"Quite a mess, wouldn't you say, Mrs. Ferry?"

"Quite, Mr. Ferry."

"This reminds me of that other lad, the one you dealt with for Disney."

"Ah, Pinocchio?"

"Yes."

"No!" Asami shouted, "I don't want to be a boy!"

"Of course you do, my dear. All your sort does."

She pulled out her wand and broke into a Disney musical number that eventually had the penguins up and dancing, after which they flew away, on magical wings of course since penguins can't fly. By the time she was done, the courtyard was pristine, the penguins were gone, Feilong was gagging at the music and Asami was a boy. Well, more of a man. He looked to be about 25.

"Shit! Now what am I supposed to do? I have emotions and everything." Asami got to his feet and dusted his clothes off. "Come on you guys. Group hug!"

Takaba and Feilong and Tao looked at each other in horror.

"Come on. Don't be such downers. If we have to feel something, it may as well be happy feelings. Don't you want to be happy Feilong? Aren't you tired of all the anger?"

"Well. I suppose."

"And Takaba? Wouldn't you like to stop living in fear so you can smile a little more?"

"Um, I guess?"

"Then don't be such negative nellies. Get over here, you big lugs! It's a small world after all."

Takaba looked at the landlady, whose face was screwed up in consternation. Her husband sighed. "It's the Disney, Sini. I've told you to stop using Disney in your spells."

He waved his own wand, muttering words like Miyazaki and Tarentino. 

Asami shuddered, then blinked and spoke. "What are you two looking at? See something you like? You can either fight over me or share. Personally, the sharing bit sounds like fun. I haven't had a three-way in weeks."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"Let's go Tao. We're hitting the slopes. I don't want to stick around in case you-know-who gets any more brilliant ideas." Feilong grabbed Tao by the collar and dragged him off.

Takaba was still staring at the landlady. She noticed him and smiled. "I take it you didn't notice our name. It's more what we are, really. You couldn't pronounce our real names. Well, we'll leave you two to it. Let us know if there's anything else we can do. Enjoy the day!"

Takaba was staring at the spot where the landlady had been standing.

"Come on, Akihito. I'll still beat up Kakegawa for you."

Takaba blinked, then turned to face his lover. "You're really human now?"

"One hundred percent genuine flesh and blood. Want to take it for a test drive?"

He snorted. "So you really have emotions now?"

Asami shrugged. "They're buried in here somewhere. The Miyazaki guarantees it, but the Tarentino makes it hard to emote."

Takaba started laughing. "OK then, let's see what we can dig up. After you beat up Kakegawa."

"You've got it."

They started walking back to Takaba's old room. "Say Akihito, do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder in –"

"Don't. Just don't _ever_ go there."

"I'm afraid you're going to be stuck with the snappy repartee."

"At least make it original."

"Sure thing, Pumpkin. Do you know what they call a..." Asami leaned over and whispered the rest in Takaba's ear. Takaba turned bright red.

It seemed like wherever Takaba went, he'd be followed by a little heat wave of his own.

 

\--

 

Feilong stood at the top of the snow-covered hillside. Tao was off on the bunny slopes learning how to ski. His men were miserable in their parkas, watching him have fun. He glanced at the sky. No penguins. And Asami was both out of his hair and killable now. 

Things never looked so good.

"Feilong! Fancy seeing you here. You knew I'd be vacationing here and couldn't resist, right?"

"Arbatov." He forced the name out through grinding teeth.

Mikhail leaned close enough to fog up his sunglasses. "Where are you staying? Why don't we have dinner together tonight? Something cozy."

Feilong's reflexes saved him. He rolled to the side as a novice skier came out of nowhere and knocked Mikhail off the edge of the mountainside. He walked over and looked down but the Russian was nowhere to be seen.

He shrugged, then jumped off onto the snowy slope, grinning as he hit fresh powder all the way down.

 

 

~end~


End file.
